Annual motherhood angst!
Every mother’s day, Memories come “flush” riding through my system, like my mental pathways have become an elevator and there are a million passengers stampeding down through it. I never, in my life, wanted to be or thought I would be a mom. Somewhere it happened.
No matter, how imperfect life has been, I am joyous that I have had the chance to experience the ride of motherhood. I have ridden the ups and lows and I know that as time goes, it is gonna get lonelier. Because children want to become adults fast.
One thing is clear. Children may grow up and go away, from us; They may become big leaders or whatever; but mothers never grow up. They are left behind, somewhere. They remain the same way. They will have only memories left behind. I am preparing for that, in my small way. Is this pre-mature ageing, I do not know. I am, though, preparing for that long lonely journey ahead, when your kid moves on in life. I am prepared for that mentally. It is only the emotions, which needs some management.
Hence, since i know that that part of me is going to remain and may cause unutterable tortures in the future, I am trying to ensure that I enrich my life to the extent that I do not need to depend on my kid and she can go in the direction she wants in life. That enrichment is on an intellectual, at a spiritual, at a physical level, to keep finding a meaning in life, rather than tying it down to seeing my kid grow the way I want her to grow and suppressing her and me as a result.
My suggestions to my girl and other girls entering womanhood: motherhood is an experience. If you have the guts, take it up. It is okay not to take it up also. It is entirely and should be entirely your choice. Not anyone else’s.
And as for my overall experience so far: I can live without having anyone in my life. I have the courage to be on my own. I need not have a family with me. All I need for me to live is my ability to think and feel. Yet, having a kid does make a difference in your life.
It transforms you into a squirming, wriggling, blob of emotions when you least expect it. You get to see a child, in every child you see. You see your child crying in every crying child. Yes, it is worth it in some measure; if you like emotional roller coasters, that is. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I cannot endure the needless pangs and the unnecessary wastage of energy that comes with biology and emotions. If I wanted to Iive a safe life, I would stay away from all this.
If I only could.