A couple of issues keep creeping up now and again, repeatedly, reminding me that there are still lots of things to work on. But I realize that unless I deal with these issues, they will destroy all my chances of happiness and take away all that I hold close to my heart. I realize I came very close now, to blowing it all away. Just like I had done before, a couple of years before. But I never realized it at that time. Both involved personal and professional relationships which I valued a lot.
But somewhere I forgot to stop taking the people involved for granted. In my obsession (shocking, isn’t it), I became narrow minded, possessive, stifling, needy and desperate for attention. Is that me? I could not believe it is me. When I look at myself,as others see me, I always see a very calm me. And yet, undoubtedly, the evidence points the other way.Without knowing into the whats, wheres and whens (irrelevant), basically, on reflection, it seems history repeating itself. And unless, i take care, i shall end up being the loser again. and again.and again..
When I tell this to the persons concerned, I find it more sorrowful, that they disbelieve me. They don’t realize, that I know what is happening but I don’t know what and how to manage it. They also don’t realize that the worst punishment is for me to live with myself.
Musing over why and what makes me the way I am or the way I am with certain people. Why am I not this way with some? While with others I become a different person only? What is the reason behind such desperate behavior? It is desperation which drives us to insane behavior (and this is the mildest). Desperation because of something we think we lack. it could be anything. Fear of loss, Validation, Support, love, lack of confidence in ourselves and the other people, lack of faith, lack of self esteem, a feeling that we don’t deserve the best and a suicidal strategy to confirm the subconscious feelings and to prove ourselves right again and again. It is kind of self torture in a way and also a torture we inflict on other people also. Sad! At the same time, it does not justify us victimizing other people with our emotional issues. It is cruel and unfair.
We can justify such things as “i can’t change it cause I am built t hat way”. I don’t think this is valid as others need not accept this reasoning and they will (and deservedly )dump/reject/alienate from us if we intrude their peace of mind. But, however, in one of the cases, I had a justifiable reason in that I was constantly overruled and my point of view consistently ignored, unless I couched it in such terms, which was flattering to the other person. And in a moment of frustration, the truth came out unflatteringly. and lo, Spontaneous combustion occurred. Whatever it is, I paid a very expensive price for it.
So what can I do to keep me at peace and ensure I love my loved ones without infringing on their personal space? Basically, How to build up my self esteem so that I don’t use my lack of it, to debilitate existing and future relationships, professionally and personally? So that I respect other people’s need for space?