Over many days, I was thinking of the difference between thoughts and actions. Many times we hold certain thoughts and certain beliefs but when it comes to action, we find it difficult to implement. In a sense, we become hypocrites. I have been pondering over this for some time. When i was younger, I was passionate about what i believed in but I used to hold them back because of the emotionally unfavorable conditions i was growing up in.
I dont mean to say love was not there. Love was there but questioning authority and expressing certain opinions was frowned upon because it did not match up. Whenever i used to express, it was frowned upon. Slowly the voice got silenced. It was there but the respect for authority would overwhelm it. Inside me, the voice would rumble and grumble. Outside, there would be the external acquiescence. Everybody would think of me as a nice, sweet person. Which is what they want to see in me. The more I suppressed myself, The more i changed into someone else.
The only place where I did take independent decisions was my studies and career. I thought what was right and I followed it up. There were ups and downs in the course of my career/studies. I never regretted and I learnt a lot.
The question I ask myself is why I never applied the same vigorous independence of thought/action in other areas of my life? Why is it that in one area, I never allowed anyone to question or doubt my decisions while on other areas i was quite the tame cat? Was it a sort of compromise I paid for allowing one set of dreams to be fruitful? Possible. A Sort of selling out for one’s survival. I am not sure.
In the process, in those areas, which I felt deprived or felt the lack of freedom or more importance, the lack of courage to express the need for freedom, I experienced the urge to take rash steps. To Try out things on my own. To explore and adventure. In hindsight, I feel it looked adventurous but it may have been rash on my part. But during those times it was the only thing to do. Sometimes, my adventures worked out. Sometimes it did not.
I will not say that all that i have thought or i have believed in were entirely correct. But time and experiences have molded them. I have learnt many valuable lessons.
But this contradiction still makes me ponder how in some situations what holds us back from expressing the full of us. Why do we have this lack of courage? How do we improve upon it? How do we become an uniformly courageous, rather than in bits and patches?
At the end of the day it is all about survival and making the most of what you got. Maybe these contradictions help us in managing our lives better?
What do you think?