Distance and closeness are relative. To understand yourself, you need to be far from those you love.To understand others, you need to be close to them. And there is never an absolute closeness or absolute distance.
It is like waves which recede to and fro from time to time. There is no permanency, no fixed moments. It is all fluctuations.
Externally and Internally we experience this. Externally, in our relationships with others, internally with ourselves also. Detachment from different sides of us, at different times. At all times, there is never a complete sensation of closeness or separation. Basically, there is a limit, beyond which no one can approach your or reach into you and you cannot reach into others. Which means Absolute closeness is impossible? I am not sure.
Maybe with the unique souls, you can have this limit narrowed to very very thin levels as to almost disappear. This barrier is a way of defending our inner selves, our inner core which can be fragile.
Some have the knack of breaking it down, without our control and without our permission. Others just cannot get across to us and vice versa. With others, we have a balance between intrusion and distance. With others, there is just no way of reaching out, there is an impossibility to touch base. There is no point in forcing ourselves on those who are not receptive to us, unless they are ready to reach out. Because force always rebounds.
In families, these differences in chemistries and compatibilities come out later in life. Initially everyone is forced to live together as a single unit, owing to the overarching parental authority and as long as the fear of disobeying authority is greater than the fear of being yourself. We are forced to suppress our mutual antagonisms and attractions, differences and prejudices. We try to be cakes of the same mold. But it does not work. After sometime, as growth occurs, individuals develop, their natural self, get more in charge and in control, the fear of other factors reduces. Personal growth is unstoppable when it has been catalysed into action. The true natural self starts showing up. You cannot stop it more. Old fears are no longer a barrier as the original forces which created them are no longer threatening or their influence has reduced to a level which can be overcome. What was an original “united” family now show signs of coming apart. Without understanding the natural processes behind this, we consider this as threatening, when actually it is evolution in action.
Families have to be un-familied some time, some day. We are all out on an individual journey. A family helps us in starting out and then as is natural should implode, releasing its members far and wide.This is nature in operation. Why then are we so conflicted and terrorised when conflicts occur in families and why we try to suppress them? You can be close while being far away. Forcing individuals against their inclination is not going to make them develop love or bonding. We don’t realise that family serves its purpose in the initial stage of nurturing and tending individuals to a certain maturity but beyond a point, trying to expect and force individuals to hang onto something which has outgrown its use is not worth it. Yes we can be familial without being forced to adhere to it because it has to be done. We can be familial and individualistic. After sometime, we will tend more to the latter. People who love will find ways and means to bond with each other and maintain the bond. People who love don’t need to be told what to do or what not to do. People who don’t will grow away and that is also healthy.
Excessive attachment, be it to family or to friends and by family or friends, is an impediment to the healthy growth of a human soul. We should learn to sacrifice our selfishness of possessiveness in the interest of the growth of those we love. Help should be out of love and not out of obligation, because someone is someone’s friend or relative. Help only when absolutely necessary and not because it is in your power to do so. Don’t kill someone by helping them unnecessarily.
Some of this may be seemingly cruel to those who read it. But in the interest of individual growth and development and ultimate finding your role and identity in life, it is necessary.
What determines these chemistries between individual souls? I am not sure. I need to find out more on this in my own way.
At the end of the day, we are still ourselves, still us as we are, with the waves of others reaching us, touching us, feeling us, influencing and impacting us like the ripples of waves while we move along, the core may be dented and moulded along the way, shaped a little either ways or more, growing, learning, following along the way of individual destinies. Touch and go at some points and sometimes lasting confluence.